Senior VP of International Acquisitions, Raymond Gunn was greeting by a group of joyful friends and family members at Los Angeles International Airport on Tuesday, following an extended — and completely unexpected — lay-over in Shanghai.

Ray traveled to China immediately after attending an international business conference in Mexico City. He had no idea that officials of the Chinese government would be waiting to shuttle him away to a quarantine facility at a remote military base.

“It’s really kind of funny,” said the 2006 GN High-Five Achievement Award winner. “I was kidding around with an attractive flight attendant and tried to tell her that she was making me hot. Well, I guess my Mandarin is a little rusty and she thought I said I had a fever. Can you imagine my surprise when three uniformed security agents pulled me off the plane when it landed? They were wearing surgical masks and shouting at me. It really was pretty terrifying, until they shot me with that tranquilizer dart.”

As an official guest of the Chinese government for three weeks, Ray had the opportunity to develop friendships with several other quarantined travelers. “There wasn’t much to do. The television only had one channel and the there’s only so many games of solitaire you can play. Plus some of the cards were missing from the deck they had in the common room.”

Chinese officials stated that precautions to prevent the spread of the H1N1 (Swine Flu) virus was the reason for the quarantine of Ray and two other American business travelers. Doctors who have examined Ray since his return report that he was never exposed to Swine Flu. While several of the other travelers claim to suffer from recurring nightmares, Ray is in perfect health.

“I’m just happy to home,” said Ray. “I know it sounds corny, but I really missed my mom.”

foreseeable future: A nebulous time frame used by business execs when they don’t know OR don’t want you to know what they plan to do next. “There are no plans for layoffs in the foreseeable future.” Of course, that could mean two days, two weeks or two years.
Nominated by Fritz Liess

For more buzzwords, visit BuzzWhack: The Buzzword Compliant Dictionary

The IT department is having a Star Trek party on Monday, May 18 to celebrate the success of the new Star Trek motion picture! Come dressed as your favorite Star Trek character. (Those dressed as Darth Vader or any other Star Wars character will be loudly boo’d and pelted with bucky balls.)

The festivities will include a Global Nemesis private screening of the film!

Where: The Hugh Jassman Theatre, 22nd Floor, Corporate Headquarters
When: 5:15 PM
Who: All Employees and One Guest Each

Don’t miss it!

A message from Chris Coe, Global Nemesis VP of Human Resources

It has been brought to my attention that several employees of Global Nemesis (and/or closely related business units) were recently contacted by leftist filmmaker Michael Moore regarding his current project, Jassman Shrugged. The “documentary” will supposedly attempt to malign and sully the reputation of Global Nemesis and our CEO Mr. Jassman in the most sophomoric and scatological ways imaginable, similar to the hatchet jobs that were meted out to General Motors, George W. Bush, and other fine, upstanding American institutions in Mr. Moore’s previous works.

While Global Nemesis management would never dream of attempting to limit or infringe on our employees’ First Amendment right (applies to employees in the United States only) to Freedom of Speech, we feel it is important to issue a reminder of the Conflict of Interest Disclosures and Confidentiality Agreements signed by each and every employee.

Any employee who knowing discloses the confidential intellectual property of Global Nemesis, or accepts any form of remuneration for discussing any company-related issues with any outside source may face immediate termination of employment. Please consider this before you agree to allow a rotund jackanape to shove a microphone into your face and ask you inappropriate questions about a man that many of us have come to love like a father, brother, nephew, what have you.

If any of you are not familiar with Michael Moore, here is a clip of him urging an audience to redistribute America’s wealth.

Two years ago, I was pleased to announce that Global Nemesis had diversified into the market of educational videos by creating GN Scholastic. Unfortunately, it took longer than expected to fill the top management positions and get the new division up and running.

Today, I have good news. GN Scholastic has just released their first educational video. It is certain to be a smash hit in various markets such as parochial schools and home schooling programs. I present it here for your edification.

A message from Global Nemesis President and CEO Hugh Jassman IV

Last summer, my grand-daughter Mindy Jassman approached me with a new business concept. Her idea was to create new and innovative products for the pre-teen and tween markets.

Mindy and I met with the board of directors and we agreed to see where a young entrepreneur could go with the limited support of a global enterprise like Global Nemesis.

After a series of starts and stops, it appears that Mindy has struck gold with her new line of Adam Lambert products, which includes clothing, buttons, jewelry, and hair products.

Mindy has partnered with retailers Hot Topic and CafePress to distibute a complete line of Adam Lambert merchandise. And, this stuff is selling like gangbusters! 

“I’m like so totally mad for Adam and all the other girls are, too,” says Mindy. “I just love his hair and his dark nail polish. I have been getting so many compliments about my new Adam Lambert hairdo and the buttons we’re selling on CafePress. I wanted to wear my makeup like Adam, but my mom says it makes me look like a whore. Duh! Adam’s makeup is like the coolest thing ever. Adam is hot!”

It simply warms my heart to see Mindy following in the Jassman family tradition and bringing a new brand to Global Nemesis. Thanks in part to Mindy, Adam Lambert was signed to an exclusive deal with Global Nemesis Universal (GNU) a few days ago. We look forward to working with Adam. He reminds me of another artist who did quite well working for us, Michael Jackson.

The Q1 results are in! Once again, Global Nemesis ME is the top earning division in global products and services.

Division VP Bob Smiley credits Global Nemesis ME’s unprecedented achievement to an outstanding product and an innovative marketing campaign.

“We’re simply providing a product in an ever expanding market,” said Smiley at last night’s awards dinner in Cincinatti, Ohio. “Then, we have a rock solid marketing plan.”

CEO Hugh Jassman presented Smiley and the employees of Global Nemesis ME with an outstanding achievement award.

“It is simply amazing how much this division has grown in size and girth,” said Jassman. “Every quarter I see the numbers rise, getting harder and harder to ignore that this is the product of the future.”

“We simply could not have reached the huge proportions and the magnitude we’ve accomplished without the brilliant work of our email marketing team in Croatia,” Smiley continued. “They continue to come up with some of the most brilliant subject lines ever writtten. From the legendary Do you want enalarge yours p3n1s up to 4 inches bz and the highly successful She won?t be needing of magnifying glass anymore to find your instrument to the more recent raise your sweet bed event with help of famos tablet, we simply could not be where we are today without them.”

“Global Nemesis ME is all about growth and staying power,” concluded Smiley.

For more information about Global Nemesis ME, visit the division’s Internet site: http://male-enhancement-123.com

A message from Hope Heelask, VP Global Nemesis Entertainment Ventures

As Global Nemesis VP of Entertainment Ventures, I have been asked by our CEO Hugh Jassman to write to all Global Nemesis employees about the recent decision regarding the continued employment of Miss California Carrie Prejean.

The decision to retain Prejean was made by Donald Trump, the Chairman and CEO of one of our lesser known subsidiaries, the Trump Organization. Many of you may know that I have a personal relationship with Mr. Trump that dates back over 30 years. In fact, I was the one responsible for acquiring the Trump Organization and its various properties and ventures — which includes the Miss Universe Organization — for Global Nemesis Entertainment Ventures.

As a former Miss Universe contestant, I obviously played a role in making the pageant a Global Nemesis brand — and a quite successful one at that. Keeping Donald Trump on board as CEO was also vital in ensuring that success. He is a brilliant businessman and a skilled lover.

It is regrettable that politics and religion have brought a harsh spotlight on what I know to be a wonderful experience for young women. Were it not for my crown as Miss New Jersey and subsequent participation in the Miss Universe pageant, I may never have gone on to get my MBA and establish myself as a dynamic corporate leader.

Carrie Prejean appeared at a press conference yesterday and explained why she believes she has become a both celebrated and vilified for her personal views regarding what she calls “opposite marriage.”

Many Global Nemesis employees wrote to me this week with concerns about how Prejean’s views may conflict with our internal diversity policy. For over a decade, Global Nemesis has had a policy that bans discrimination based on sexual orientation. However, that policy does not extend to the issue of same-sex marriage. Global Nemesis has very little power over U.S. and state laws regarding this matter.

If you have any questions regarding Global Nemesis HR policies, please direct them to HR assistant D’Amanda Wrights at corporate headquarters.

I have some very sad news coming out of Iraq. Liberty the official Army war mascot has been killed by a IED. As you all know, Global Nemesis Research and Development was instrumental in helping the Pentagon develop Liberty.

Here is the news report that will be airing tomorrow.

This morning, Mr. Jassman asked me to remind all Global Nemesis employees to vote for American Idol contestant Adam Lambert after he performs tonight.

I have been made aware that a photo alledged to be of Lambert wearing a dress and silver high heel boots has been forwarded around the corporate headquarters today. I would just like to remind everyone that Adam Lambert is a fellow Global Nemesis employee and that such use of company email could be regarded as sexual harrassment. Please keep our diversity policies in mind before sending something like this to your coworkers.

While the photo may or may not be Adam Lambert, keep in mind that he is in show business and often wears outrageous costumes.

Mr. Jassman’s grand-daughter Mindy is a huge fan of Lambert. Like many pre-teen girls, she would be crushed to see her idol being the butt of cruel jokes — especially at the hands of members of the Global Nemesis family.